Children and Parenthood

There was a massive baby boom at our church. I’m sure in your mind you have the idea of three or four, maybe five babies. Try thirteen babies in twelve months. The first twelve months. Babies babies babies. It was like gynaecologists had a “going out of sale” sale. It’s great seeing so many babies around too. You cannot help but smile when you see a baby. At least a cute baby. If that baby is ugly it’s a different story. “Oh look, she has her mother’s eyes… And her father’s nose.”

And I'm glad a bunch of my friends have children now. At least they stop talking about their pets now. It's always amazed me, some couples get a pet as some sort of practice for looking after children, like it’s the same. It’s not. I would wonder about how these couples will do with children. “Oh, there’s out youngest, Rex. We feed him once a day and keep him outside at night. There’s our first born, Spot. We call him that because of the eczema.”

I will mention that in my early 20's I was afraid of having children. I had been given a pet canary... just in case I ever got stuck down a mine shaft. I had trouble looking after and feeding myself properly, let alone a second mouth. I was out a lot and rarely home long. One day I came home and found my pet canary dead, at the bottom of his cage. This made me afraid of looking after a kid. I was afraid I’d come home one day, and find him dead, at the bottom of his cage. I’m kidding of course. Children don’t belong in cages. They should be kept in boxes.

The big thing that changed my mind was talking to kids. Conversations with children are way more fun than any adult conversation. I have a conversation with my niece last week about why cats don't have middle names. I much prefer that to talking about what I can claim on my tax return. And in case you were wondering, cats don't have middle names because they don't have a soul. And if you don't have a middle name, well, I'm just saying...

I think a part of it is my old childhood growing up. It was great. I have a younger brother, and anyone with a younger sibling knows that they will believe anything you say. I once convinced my little brother that if he ran at a wall fast enough he would phase through it like The Flash. The only thing funnier than seeing him bounce of it once was convincing him he wasn't go fast enough so to take a longer run up.

And you could do things as a child you can't do as an adult. Like make out with mirrors in public. You can't do that as an adult. Well you can, but you're not allowed back into Target again. Or there was taking words and mashing them together to use as insults. Like they wouldn't mean anything. As an example my niece called me a caca poopoo head the other week. I couldn't really tell her off even though I was wounded. It wasn't really really an insult. So I just stuttered my words trying to tell her off. "You can't just call people that... You can't... It's ru... Your parents didn't even want you."

I do hope to have my own children someday. But I am getting older. I'm 37 now. But what is crazy is when friends say things like, “You better hurry up Phil. You’re not getting any young. Your biological clock is ticking.” That’s crazy. That's not how it works. I’m a guy. I have no biological clock. I would like to marry someone close to my age. And that would mean we would need to get started quickly, and even look at having twins, which is one of my dreams. I would like to have a set of identical twins, let’s call them Luke and Scott. At some point I would take Scott aside and train him to convince Luke that he (Scott) is actually Luke and play mind games with him through that. It would be at that moment my kids would know who my favourite is.

#comedy #children #babies #twins #pets #dogs #flash #cats #popculture #editorial

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